Rejection

I feel rejected, unattractive
I feel not good enough.
I feel hurt, not deserving,
wrong and wretched and tired to pretend
that everything’s fine,
that I am not all of these things.
That it is okay that nobody wants
More than just be friends!

And I feel like you have wronged me.
You and many others before.
Like me desiring you offends
your desire to just be friends.

So I feel lonely, frustrated,
I feel like nobody understands.
Like I’m in a bubble kicking and screaming
and asking: Why?! Oh Why?! Oh Why!?
– and seeing people just walk by.

But I feel guilty
for letting you know.
Because it feels like I am blaming you –
But I don’t.
Because blaming you would be unfair,
because blaming you does not repair
the wounds that always have been there.

And I feel humiliation.
For desiring things you do not share.
For thinking I deserve your touch
And being misled instead.

Though I also feel horny.
Like kissing would burn the scorn
and heal my wounds from battles gone.
Because having sex means validity.

I feel the need for intimacy.
Like I have a picture in my head
Laying with you in my bed;
Telling you things I never had said.

And then I feel sad.
All the emotions driving me mad.
Wanting back the things I once had,
Wanting them really really bad!

– and so I feel jealous
of you and another friend.
Of you who get to experience
things because you’re confident.
Because you trust people
and you just go for it.

Meanwhile, I feel scared
of people and to be your friend.
Because, in the end,
I am afraid of rejection.

– by Luca Gredig, published 26.04.2024 on Medium